GUEST COLUMN

The Aunty Conundrum

-By Gauri Tandon

“…Family is my uncles, my aunts, and my chithis”, as Senator Kamala Harris said in the acceptance speech for her Vice Presidential nomination. Whatever is this “Chithi”? The word, which in Tamil means younger aunt, became viral and reminded me of my own cultural reckoning when my children were younger.

“Is it ok if I call Tom’s Mom Pam Aunty?”, my younger one asked about her best friend. Before I could reply, my older one interjected, a little irritated. “Well, you can’t. She isn’t Indian. And by the way Mom, I am not going to call Ruchi Aunty that anymore. It was weird when my teacher asked me if she was your sister or Dad’s, and I said neither.” 

I call this the cross-cultural dilemma. It is one of many woes that children of Indian origin face while being raised in the US, when they are required to apply a cultural trait in a culturally-unaware setting. In the Indian culture, “Aunty” is anyone who feels like an Aunt. She doesn’t have to be family. She can be a family friend, Mom’s friend, friend’s Mom, an elderly friend, a neighbor, a caretaker. It is also considered polite to address total strangers, whom one has no better way of addressing, as “Aunty”.

I believe the genesis of this universal usage of the word, started with large, busy families. Indian households are generally buzzing with family members visiting often, neighbors dropping by without appointments or just peeking over their “boundary walls” for a quick chat, or folks you hired to help with cleaning, cooking, gardening or driving, making their trips around the house. Growing up in India, due to the presence of many people around you, one learns the rules of polite social engagement and interaction at an early age. Rule number one for kids is to not call anybody older by their name. At the very least, add a “ji” as a mark of respect, such as “Guptaji”. But in general the “ji” is more formal, and culturally not as warm and inclusive. Using the more endearing “Aunty” or “Uncle” is a form of pulling one’s neighbor, friend, or caretaker closer into one’s family zone.

Though Beware! One has to be very careful before addressing someone as “Aunty”. For adults addressing other adults, the reference assumes an age hierarchy, calling someone “Aunty” is an implicit label that they are older. “Didi” (sister) is the more flattering way to refer to someone who may take an offense to being called “Aunty”. It is safe enough for kids and teenagers to use this as a mark of respect. I know kids who stopped the “Aunty” or “Uncle” reference on becoming adults themselves, deciding that there was no longer a need to maintain the “Indian” age hierarchy.  

On migrating to the US, Indians raised in warm, close-knit communities, continue to cherish the value of close relationships, forming new ones in a new country. In their home away from home, friends become family. They look to form similar warm, nurturing communities and obviously cannot forget the rule #1 they learned growing up. Not only will it be rude to not address the grown-ups as Uncle/Aunty, it would instantly bring a cold wedge of formality within the sprouts of the warm new friendship. 

To solve the cross-cultural dilemma in the “Aunty Conundrum”, I noticed that these kids learned to improvise. They wear multiple cultural hats and pull them out appropriately, as the time and place demands. They instinctively know when to address “Ruchi Aunty” as such, and when to simply refer to her as Abhi’s Mom, or Mrs. Gupta. My younger one asked Tom’s Mom, “Mrs Grady feels too formal. You feel like an Aunt, may I call you Pam Aunty?”. In the perfect blending of two cultures, Pam accepted graciously! So the next time you hear someone being called “Aunty” it is likely not their Aunt by relation, possibly a friend that feels like family, or even simply a stranger who feels the warmth of being called “Hello Aunty” rather than “Hello there!”.

IAGB SPOTLIGHT

Our community spotlight this month – IANH

Our community spotlight this month is on IANH (India Association of New Hampshire). Yogita Miharia of IAGB spoke to Mr. Balaji Krishnan, the current President of IANH.

Yogita: Thank you Mr. Balaji for talking to IAGB. Please tell us about your journey with IANH

Balaji: I have been associated with IANH since 2000. It started when my kids were in elementary school and they participated in the educational activities conducted by IANH. When they were in 2nd and 3rd grade, they participated in the spelling bee for the first time. From there, they went to the National spelling bee for 5 consecutive years. When my kids graduated from middle school, I took the role of the education chair in IANH, and when the then president stepped down subsequently, I was elected to that position. I have been the President for last 6 years.

Yogita: Tell us more about the history and mission of IANH

Balaji: IANH started in 1989 by 10 people with three goals in mind – foster well-being of Indian community by organizing cultural, charitable, and educational activities, bring political awareness and goodwill between India and US. Prithvi Kumar, Dr. Tej Dhakar and others were the pioneers in founding IANH. We have various committees to handle activities like education, youth, cultural, public services, public relations, multimedia, and membership. Our mission is to connect the local Indian community and promote public & charitable services. IANH is apolitical but we give platform to political candidates to increase awareness. As of today, IANH has about 400 family members and 125 life members.

Yogita Tell us about IANH events. Which one is your flagship event?

Balaji: We host a variety of events. On the cultural side, we have a Spring festival in May and Diwali celebration in Oct/Nov timeframe. The Spring festival is our flagship event, and it consists of various cultural dance/music competitions. 

My personal favorite is the education related events. Through educational contests only, I learned about IANH almost 20 years ago. Most of our youth group is also involved in the educational & public service initiatives. We have an education chair, whose primary responsibility is to organize all education contests, which happens in March/April timeframe. About 300 to 400 kids participate in various bees – math, science, spelling etc. The preparation for this event starts in January. We also run workshops to help parents and kids prepare for them. 

In addition to these events, we also conduct various workshops for social awareness, visa camps, fundraisers etc. 

IANH also has some regular public service initiatives. Once a month, we serve the soup kitchens in Manchester, Derry and Nashua.

This year our Diwali event is going to be virtual, spread over 2 days. One day for dance and the other for music.

Yogita: Any other initiatives that you would like to tell us about?

Balaji: IANH’s youth group does several events on their own. They bring a variety of speakers to talk about youth matters. I would like to encourage young parents to attend these so that they can be better prepared when their kids go to high school and college.

Yogita: Tell us about yourself and your family

Balaji: I am originally from Chennai, yes where Kamala Harris’ mother is from ☺ Nowadays everyone knows more about Chennai because of her ☺ I came to the US in 1989. I did my under graduation and graduation from the City university of NY, after which I worked there for 4 years, then moved to the Boston area. I was part of the first wave of Fidelity’s migration to Merrimack, NH. Since then, I have started my own business, with employees all over the US. 

Most of my siblings live in the US. My wife and I live in Nashua. We have a son and a daughter, both live in Los Angeles. Our daughter finished her MD and is a resident doctor in UCLA, and our son is an entrepreneur. 

Yogita: Would you like to share with us some fun memories or moments from your IANH journey?

Balaji: Honestly, every Exec meeting is a lot of fun and we all look forward to it. It is like one big family gathering that we do at various members’ homes. Everything has changed with COVID, but the last one was in a park so we could see each other and maintain social distance as well. Because of the platform IANH provided, my kids had a lot of success with the spelling bees. So obviously those are some of my favorite moments in IANH. I am very grateful to IANH and hope all young parents take advantage of this platform.

Yogita: What message would you like to give our readers?

Balaji: My message is mainly for parents of young kids. Please engage with IANH & other community service organizations when your children are young & impressionable. The public service, education & cultural activities will provide a strong foundation for your children. Along with that, IANH also organizes many talks, etc. for parents during the two days of various bees, where they can learn a lot about high school and college prep along with other IANH initiatives.

Visit https://www.ianh.org/ to learn more about IANH.

–Yogita Miharia